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June 2012

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I accidentally my whole ex-boyfriend. Is that bad??

Yeah. That happened. For like a month. Some sparks just don't go away. And then you make the mistake of trying to pursue them.

We saw each other/talked for the first time in ages and the chemistry we've always had had not diminished even a tiny bit. We'd basically decided not to act on it right away and to get coffee or something to try and figure out what was happening. Except then he got reals drunk at a party and asked me to come rescue him. I got him a ride home. And went home with him. And before he passed out he told me how much he still loved me and wanted me back, etc. And because I'm weak around him, I fell back in.

I knew it couldn't work. I even tried to tell him after a week that I couldn't be in a healthy relationship so it was probably better if we cut things off, and he flipped a shit and did that thing where he makes me feel like he needs me so I felt like I had no other option but to stay (yes. It's stupid). And it was good for a while. We set some boundaries so our relationship wouldn't be as clingy and all-consuming as before, and I was getting to a point where I really trusted him and felt good about where things were going. He even told me he wanted to marry me someday.

And then he made out with someone else, told me he couldn't be monogamous, and dumped me LOLOLOL NICE CAROLYN WAY TO WALK INTO THAT ONE AWESOME SHOW GREAT JOB.

It was major butts. But I'm starting to be over it. I'm not giving into his gaslighting anymore (he tried to tell me that my emotional problems and insecurities ruined our relationship. No, asshole, the fact that you can't commit when you know that's what I need ruined our relationship). Still, though, I am steering clear of relationships (right, like I have a line of people waiting to date me) until I get over some of these issues. Because no one should be able to make me feel as worthless as he did. That's my problem to fix.

I'm in Oberlin. Working at the library. Reading a lot. Blues dancing. Learning to swing. Exercising, though not as much as I should be. I made fantastic challah last night. Drinking too often. Learning that I can't manage my money for shit (it's terrifying). Hanging with housemates and other people in town. Having a good time.

Getting a better idea of where I want to go in life. Feeling a bit stronger. Still inexplicably missing him. Feeling stupid for wasting SO MUCH TIME on someone who made me feel SO CRAPPY. But I can't do anything about that.

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People like him are why being non-monogamous gets a bad name. Not that it's for me in any case, but the people who use "I'm poly" as an excuse when what they mean is "I can't keep it in my pants* but I'd rather say it's my nature than take responsibility for my actions" make it that much harder to view the concept in a positive light.

*either literal pants or emotional pants
lol yep he's reading "The Ethical Slut" and, ok, the tone of that book really puts me off, but I have no problem with its basic premise. But he's reading it and declaring that he's found "the real [him]", and that needing to sleep with multiple people is just an inherent part of his sexuality - and yes, that is absolutely true for some people.

But with him it's like "bitch, I know you. You're not doing this because you have feelings for multiple people and need to express those emotions through a sexual connection. You're doing it because your sense of self-worth is based entirely on female attention and attraction, and the only way you can feel good about yourself is by sleeping with everything that movies."
ohhh carolyn : hugs : i can't say i'm surprised, but it's a thing i would do. it's hard to just say no to boy-drugs. good for you for moving past it and doing you, though. <3