I accidentally my whole ex-boyfriend. Is that bad??

Yeah. That happened. For like a month. Some sparks just don't go away. And then you make the mistake of trying to pursue them.

We saw each other/talked for the first time in ages and the chemistry we've always had had not diminished even a tiny bit. We'd basically decided not to act on it right away and to get coffee or something to try and figure out what was happening. Except then he got reals drunk at a party and asked me to come rescue him. I got him a ride home. And went home with him. And before he passed out he told me how much he still loved me and wanted me back, etc. And because I'm weak around him, I fell back in.

I knew it couldn't work. I even tried to tell him after a week that I couldn't be in a healthy relationship so it was probably better if we cut things off, and he flipped a shit and did that thing where he makes me feel like he needs me so I felt like I had no other option but to stay (yes. It's stupid). And it was good for a while. We set some boundaries so our relationship wouldn't be as clingy and all-consuming as before, and I was getting to a point where I really trusted him and felt good about where things were going. He even told me he wanted to marry me someday.

And then he made out with someone else, told me he couldn't be monogamous, and dumped me LOLOLOL NICE CAROLYN WAY TO WALK INTO THAT ONE AWESOME SHOW GREAT JOB.

It was major butts. But I'm starting to be over it. I'm not giving into his gaslighting anymore (he tried to tell me that my emotional problems and insecurities ruined our relationship. No, asshole, the fact that you can't commit when you know that's what I need ruined our relationship). Still, though, I am steering clear of relationships (right, like I have a line of people waiting to date me) until I get over some of these issues. Because no one should be able to make me feel as worthless as he did. That's my problem to fix.

I'm in Oberlin. Working at the library. Reading a lot. Blues dancing. Learning to swing. Exercising, though not as much as I should be. I made fantastic challah last night. Drinking too often. Learning that I can't manage my money for shit (it's terrifying). Hanging with housemates and other people in town. Having a good time.

Getting a better idea of where I want to go in life. Feeling a bit stronger. Still inexplicably missing him. Feeling stupid for wasting SO MUCH TIME on someone who made me feel SO CRAPPY. But I can't do anything about that.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Sometimes I wish I didn't give a shit about politics.

Especially in Israel.

Politics are, understandably, even more divisive here than in America.

Listen, as far as the Arab-Israeli conflict is concerned, I'll be honest - I'm still in the process of educating myself about it to see what I honestly think should be done and what I support. I'm hesitant to make strong statements until I feel like I know what I'm talking about and can back up whatever I say.

But Israel has done and is doing some spectacularly shitty things to the Palestinians. That's an objective fact. And a few of my friends in the Rothberg program got into a Facebook argument recently - my friend posted, without comment, an article about Palestinian children that Israel has taken hostage. The rabid Zionists in the program jumped down her throat and said all sorts of awful things, and then one of them said - and I quote -

"Israel has never committed any atrocities against the Palestinians."

What the fuck?! That's just OBJECTIVELY UNTRUE. I couldn't even believe it. This dude grates on my nerves pretty much constantly; in his eyes Israel can do no wrong and he's constantly posting about its achievements with commentary like "It's an honor to live in such a great country!" Dudebro, you can support a country without thinking everything about it is amazing and everyone in it shits gold. You're allowed to criticize. You should fucking criticize.


Besides that. I've booked my ticket back home - December 29. My semester doesn't actually end until January 3, but flight availability was very limited and I also want to be getting back to home and Oberlin. So I need to finish my finals a week before everyone else - whatever, I'll deal. If a genie appeared right now and told me "Here's a plane ticket, you can go home now," I'd turn them down. I am enjoying it here and, more importantly, I feel there's a lot I still need to experience before I leave. But I will be more than ready to go when the time comes. There's other stuff I want to talk about but I have class in half an hour and I gotta make the 20-minute uphill trek to campus. FUN!
  • Current Music
    River City Extension - Our New Intelligence
BSG -- Roslin

Fun with Vicodin!

I got my wisdom teeth out this morning. I've never had surgery of any kind before, so it was sort of terrifying, especially being put to sleep - relinquishing control of my mind and body to drugs and all, engh. I actually don't even remember falling asleep or closing my eyes; they put in the IV and I was lying there thinking "Why am I not asleep yet? Oh God what if they start drilling while I'm still conscious?" and then suddenly they were saying they were done. So weird!

All the teeth were pretty badly impacted so the recovery is hella painful so far. I spent like an hour hyperventilating/crying on the couch while I bled everywhere. Kind of freaked my cat out. Managed to sleep for most of the day and have been taking Vicodin, so it's just sort of a dull ache now and the bleeding's mostly stopped. Still, this is not my idea of a good time.


Expectations are important.

When I moved back to Oberlin last February, although I was eager to return, I was also terrified - and, honestly, part of me expected to fail again. I had myself half-convinced that I wasn't cut out for Oberlin, or possibly even college in general. But I managed to fall into a wonderful life with very little actual effort on my part. My social life was built-in and I didn't have to work for it. So I was pleasantly surprised and thrilled. When I came back in the fall, I expected everything to be the same - same social dynamics, same friendships, etc. I thought it would be easy again. (I also expected mutual honesty in my relationship. Oops!) But things were different, and I couldn't adjust to that, so it wound up being...not the greatest semester, overall. Awesome things happened in it! - but I kind of got both the highest highs and the lowest lows out of it.

Intentions for Winter Term/next semester: be prepared for change. Get out more, and hang out with people who don't necessarily live 20 feet away. Go to dances. Spend a lot of time at Slow Train, for it is the best place. Study in groups with motivated and focused people. Hang out with Jessie! Go to the gym and yoga classes. Focus on spending time with the people I know are good and kind and real friends (without necessarily cutting ties with other people; no sense creating dramarama). LEARN TO SAY NO. Develop self-respect. Maybe don't become engaged in serious relationships until I'm slightly less insane. Bake. Cook. Go to the Ginkgo Gallery and cuddle kittens. Learn things. And, most importantly, get me some bitches.

A mix for fall semester 2010:

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  • Current Music
    Mika -- One Foot Boy
Jon -- hee!

We live in hard times, NOT end times (Or: In which I want Jon Stewart's babies even more than usual)

I got to attend the Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Keep Fear Alive today in DC, along with yelena_r0ssini. It was...a huge day.

The buses left from Cherry Hill at 6:20 a.m, which is just ungodly. Now, I don't know if our bus driver, Alan, was stoned or just insane, but he had us all in hysterics every time he opened his mouth. He kept coming on the PA to tell us things like "I used to take the Amish down to DC...I would show them the White House and tell them 'That's the house where George Bush used to live.' And they'd be talking in Dutch, and I don't speak Dutch, so...yeah." And "Ok, so I'm going to drop you guys off here, because if you take the escalator downstairs there's like, a hundred restaurants. [Pause.] Ok, maybe not a hundred, but like...there are a lot."

After his initial, rambling, incoherent introduction, the guy behind me deadpanned "Drive safe, Alan."

Somehow we made it to DC alive. Got food (if you can call it that) and coffee and followed the masses to the Mall. And, after milling around for about an hour like trapped cows, realized that there was just no goddamn way we were going to be able to see the performance. We would have needed to stake out spots about 5 hours earlier. We were so far back that we couldn't even see the Jumbotron. But honestly, it might be just as well because when I did catch a glimpse of Jon Stewart I nearly peed myself with excitement.

Jon and Stephen worked beautifully together. Hilarious banter. Stephen wrote a poem about fear (read by Sam Waterson!). They sang. Or rather, Stephen sang and Jon...tried. Valiantly. Was largely bored by the musical guests (except Cat Stevens), but oh well.

And at the end, Jon gave a genuinely inspiring speech. So there was that <3

Choice quotes:

Jon: "These are reasonable people!"
Stephen: "They're reasonable for now, Jon. But soon they'll be a mindless panicked mob, once I release the bees!"
Jon: "What bees, there are no-"
Stephen: "RELEASE THE BEES!! Run for your lives! Hide your children! Hide UNDER your children! [...] Ladies and gentlemen, if you have a bee allergy, run for your lives."
Jon: "There's nothing to be afraid of. It's fall, there's no bees."
Stephen: "...Ok not a bee allergy, but what if they have a peanut allergy, Jon?"
Jon: "What difference would that make?"
Stephen: "Because I have smothered my bees in peanut butter."

Jon: "As a matter of fact, let's leave this place BETTER than when we found it. [...] When the Mall empties out and the crowds leave, I would like to see some topiaries that were not there before."

Julia: "Actually, I don't think you can sneak a piece of pizza onto the bus."

Eddie Izzard was there, but we did not see him. It is one of the great tragedies of my young life.

Hit awful traffic coming home - in the end, it took us about 5 hours to get from DC to Cherry Hill. Not good. Am so tired now, but I need to pack up my stuff :/

Leaving Philly in 6 hours to go back to Oberlin. Getting a ride with a total stranger. This will be stressful.
  • Current Mood
    sleepy sleepy
Rose -- parting of the ways

(no subject)

My cat, Sylvia, died sometime early this morning.

We got her when I was 6, but she was born in 1995. So she was about 15. She was the runt of the litter, so she's always been tiny and delicate, but sometime after we got Mika last year, she started losing weight. When I got home from school last May, I could feel all her ribs and vertebrae. And when I got home on Saturday, my parents told me she had kidney failure and she weighed 3 and a half pounds. She had stopped cleaning herself. She just looked so scraggly and old.

Last night, she suddenly looked like she was having trouble walking. For the rest of the night, she lay in one spot and looked like she was having a lot of trouble breathing. My dad sat up with her most of the night, but she slipped away after he dozed off.

She was so small and loving. She was very quiet, but she was always crawling onto someone's lap/book/newspaper to demand attention. Especially as she got older, when she did meow, you could sometimes only tell because you would see her mouth move - it was totally silent. It was so adorable.

She had also developed a distaste for getting anywhere on her own. She rode around on people's shoulders whenever she could. Mostly my dad's, but she got all of us a few times. Being jumped on by a tiny furry creature is disconcerting, but I'll miss it.

I'll miss her. I don't feel like totally processing/dealing with this right now.

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Day 02 of 38-day meme will go in a separate entry to prevent cognitive dissonance.
  • Current Music
    Mika -- Dr. John
Amy/Rory -- kiss

This is Ground Control to Major Tom

In "Rocket Over Russia," I am an uptight, bitchy, controlling psychotherapist. (But what about the improv?) Nobody else in the crew ever wants to talk to me because all I do is insult them. And then I wonder why no one ever comes in to see me.

In the context of the show, I've been devoting a lot of my time to trying to get the pilot, James, to come in for a session. Not because I want to talk to him - I hate him - just because I'm that much of a pathological control freak. But he despises me with every fiber of his being.

In the episode last night, I badgered James for a while, then resorted to saying I didn't want to talk to him after all as he's obviously incredibly uninteresting and I prefer a challenge in my job. He got pissed off and stepped very close to me. (Which got a good laugh because he is more than a foot taller than I am.) "You want to know how I feel?" he asked. Lights out.

A few scenes later, both of us wander back on stage, very obviously post-sex, completely disheveled. My hair is a mess, a strap on his uniform has fallen down. We look at each other, reaffirm our mutual hatred, and go our separate ways. It was fantastic.

The director (who is also my boyfriend, so make of this what you will) had the brilliant idea that before we went onstage for the scene, huhammers should give me a wicked hickey backstage. Just to add to the effect. We didn't have much time, so when the scene was called, Hana went to town on my neck. Unfortunately, I don't bruise easily, so even though she was biting and sucking as hard as possible, it didn't leave much of a mark when I went on stage.

Apparently it just needed some time to blossom, though, because by the time I got home...

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It was fucking swollen. I think she's rabid.

Also, Sophie and I keep a whiteboard on our door for message purposes, and to let people know where we are at any given time. Recently, I left a blank space under "Carolyn is..." and someone filled in "FUCKING AWESOME."

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It's midterm week. I hate everything. The end.
  • Current Music
    Battlestar Galactica OST -- Roslin and Adama